Cal Newport’s case for conversation-centric communication

Whenever we’re not attempting to do a cognitive task, our brains tend to focus on just a few objects: other people, ourselves, or both.

In his book Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport draws on research by psychologist Matthew Lieberman to explain why this is: “Our brains adapted to practice social thinking during any moments of cognitive downtime automatically, and it’s this practice that helps us become really interested in our social world“.

It took millions of years for our brains to evolve during Paleolithic, “Old Stone Age” times, when all of our interactions were face-to-face and happened in the real world. MIT professor Sherry Turkle calls this type of interaction “conversation”. In the modern world, that’s only one of two interaction modes. The other mode, which she terms “connection”, includes the low-bandwidth interactions of online social life, such as social media and messaging. 

While our Paleolithic brains have a basic need for conversation, mere connection is today's increasingly prevalent form of interaction. According to Newport, that’s a problem: “Much in the same way that the ‘innovation’ of highly processed foods in the mid-twentieth century led to a global health crisis, the unintended side effects of digital communication tools – a sort of social fast food – are proving to be similarly worrisome.”

In earlier posts of this newsletter, I’ve alluded to how time confetti stresses us out in our leisure time. On top of that, an overreliance on digital communication robs us of conversation – the very kind of interaction that is vital for our well-being. First, connection subverts conversation: During real-world interactions, it gets increasingly difficult to resist checking our phones, which reduces the quality of the conversation. 

Second, connection crowds out healthier types of interaction – without us even realizing it. Spending multiple hours each day on social media and texting eats away our time for real-world interaction. Much like subsiding on a diet of burgers, fries and milkshakes, that’s satiating and satisfying in the moment – but it doesn’t provide us with the social nutrients that our brain really needs.

But there is an alternative, which Newport calls “conversation-centric communication”. According to that approach, conversation is the only form of interaction that counts toward maintaining a relationship. Here are two steps for adopting that approach:

First, shift most of the social interactions in your free time to nourishing conversation. Instead of spending hours on low-bandwidth interactions of online social life, double down on face-to-face meetings, phone calls, or video calls whenever possible. 

Second, assign a purely logistical role to digital communication tools such as social media and messaging apps. Use them to set up and arrange conversation or efficiently transfer practical information, for example on a location or time. 

In a nutshell, the approach boils down to a simple rule: Don’t treat connection as an alternative to conversation, but as a supporter of it. While that shift might appear difficult at first, it fundamentally transforms our social life. As per Newport: 

“It won’t take many walks with a friend, or pleasantly meandering phone calls, before you begin to wonder why you previously felt it was so important to turn away from the person sitting right in front of you to leave a comment on your cousin’s friend’s Instagram feed.“

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Until next week,Christian