How to do hard things (Reversal of Desire)

December 18, 2025

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“The Comfort Zone is supposed to keep your life safe, but what it really does is keep your life small.” — Phil Stutz

Why it works

Phil Stutz (pictured) is known for his unconventional and highly practical approach to therapy, and he’s one of the most influential therapists of our time. Based in Los Angeles, Stutz’s clients include numerous Hollywood stars. One of them, Jonah Hill, was so thrilled by his guidance that he created the Netflix documentary Stutz to bring these ideas to a wider audience. Stutz also popularized his approach in his bestselling book The Tools. At the core of the book is a powerful insight: there are three aspects of reality that no one gets to avoid: pain, uncertainty, and constant work. Yet, that’s exactly what most of us try to do. We try to avoid pain and discomfort whenever possible, and we hold the implicit belief that life should be easy.

As a result, most people end up living their lives in their comfort zone. As Stutz explains, life provides endless possibilities. But when we pursue these possibilities, the first thing we meet is pain. Without a way to get through that pain, we resort to safety. As a result, we end up living a very limited version of the life we’re capable of. “A few rare individuals refuse to live limited lives,” Stutz writes in The Tools: “They drive through tremendous amounts of pain—from rejections and failures to shorter moments of embarrassment and anxiety. They also handle the small, tedious pain required for personal discipline, forcing themselves to do things we all know we should do but don’t—like exercising, eating right, and staying organized. Because they avoid nothing, they can pursue their highest aspirations.”

According to Stutz, anyone can learn to habitually step out of their comfort zone and do hard things. What makes this possible is the first of the five eponymous Tools he describes in his book. This tool is called the Reversal of Desire. It teaches you not just to tolerate discomfort, but to move toward it with intention. Used regularly, it enables you to grab your innate desire to avoid pain—and reverse it into a desire to face pain.

How to do it

The idea of the Reversal of Desire is both simple and powerful. It allows you to train yourself to move toward and through pain rather than away from it. And when you reverse your instinctive desire to avoid pain into action, your life will get much, much easier. Former Olympic weightlifter Jerzy Gregorek put it best: “Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.”

Before you try the Reversal of Desire, Stutz recommends picking a pain that you’ve been avoiding lately, like a tedious task, a phone call you’ve been putting off, or a project that seems overwhelming. Once you’ve chosen the pain, run it through the Reversal of Desire. Here’s how in three simple steps:

Step 1: “Bring it on.”
Focus on the pain you’re avoiding. Imagine it appearing before you as a cloud. Silently scream, “Bring it on!” Feel an intense desire for the pain to move you into the cloud.

Step 2: “I love pain.”
Scream silently, “I love pain!” as you keep going forward. Move so deeply into the pain that you’re at one with it.

Step 3: “Pain sets me free.”
Feel the cloud spit you out and close behind you. Say inwardly, “Pain sets me free!” As you leave the cloud, feel yourself propelled forward into a realm of pure light.

Let me be clear: This is not about being masochistic. It’s about desiring pain so you can shrink it. It’s about transforming the instinct to retreat into energy and action. It’s about wanting the discomfort because of the growth it unlocks.

Going through these three steps reliably reveals the secret that allows you to master pain: pain is never absolute. Your experience of it changes relative to how you react to it. When you move toward it, pain shrinks. When you move away from it, pain grows. If you flee from pain, it pursues you like a monster in a dream. If you confront that monster, it goes away.

Stutz described two easily recognizable moments (or “cues”) that remind us to use the Reversal of Desire in our daily lives. The first is right before you’re about to do something you want to avoid. “Let’s say you have to call someone who intimidates you, or you really need to get down to work,” Stutz writes: “At these moments, focus on the exact pain you’d feel if you began the action. Use the tool on that pain (multiple times if necessary) until you can feel the energy of the final step carrying you forward. Don’t stop to think—let it lead you right into taking the action you were avoiding.”

The second cue is when you’re thinking about having to do something you find extremely unpleasant and start negotiating with yourself. When that happens, we start thinking about it rather than doing it. As Stutz writes: “Why do I have to do it? I can’t do it, I’ll do it next week, etc. Thinking can’t help you act in the face of pain; in fact, it usually makes you even more avoidant. The only way your thoughts can help you master pain is if they trigger you to use the Reversal of Desire.”

Stuck in procrastination? Use the Reversal of Desire.

Avoiding a difficult conversation or decision? Use the Reversal of Desire.

Struggling with exercising, eating right, or staying organized? Use the Reversal of Desire.

Every time you move toward (and through) the pain you’ve been avoiding, you move a step closer to what you truly want in life.

Here’s my question for you:
What is the one thing you’ve been avoiding that, if you did it today, would move your life forward?

And here’s my challenge:
Use the Reversal of Desire on it right now. Not someday, not later. Today.

Until next year,
Christian

PS:
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